Monroe Chat

A very kind and thoughtful person invited my 10 year old to a 'lock in' at a local Church.

I know that she would be safe and well taken care of (without question) I feel comfortable with the environment as well as the Adults providing the supervision..however ..... I have always had a hard time with the issue of my Children staying overnight anywhere (even at Families Home)

At what age would you consider the prospect ? Or if you already permit overnight visits, why ?

Sometimes a new perspective is educational and an eye opener ....

My children spend the night at grandparents frequently. Long story there...

Aside from that, they've only spent the night at one friends' house, a house in which the parents are as close to us as if they were my own siblings. All the kids are like cousins.

Aside from that, I haven't been faced with the question of it. I don't honestly know what I'd do. A lock-in for a ten year old? Maybe...if I knew the chaperones or chaperoned the event myself. I'd have to at least be comfortable with level of supervision.

I needed to add that I had declined the invitation, however, was very grateful when approached ....

.... For me I simply don't care to have my Children away from me .. period... I know that time will change and I will have to adapt accordingly but for now, I like to keep them real close to me.

My Mum suggested that I learn to let go a little at a time, I trust her judgment implicitly because I was permitted freedom in increments, the trust factor played a role in how much freedom as well as seeing how I handled situations .... I understand that, but tend to think at 10 years old, my incremental freedoms don't include staying away from Home

We have two children 9 and 12. We have different rules for each child. Yes unfair, but also they are very different. My 12 yr old has spent the night at one friend's house one time. My 9 year old has spent the night with friends a half dozen times. Their comfort level with their surroundings and our comfort level with the parents are the major factors in these decisions.

As for a church overnight? No way for either unless I was one of the chaperone's(which I have done with the oldest). Even at our own church I would not have my youngest participate in that adventure.

I think so much depends on not only the age of the child, but where and who they will be with. Spending the night with aunts, or grandma is certainly acceptable at a much earlier age than at a strangers house.

When my kids were in school, if they were invited over to a friends house, I wanted to know the child and the parents before they spent the night. We were very disappointed with one family one morning when we found out both parents went off to work, leaving our kids alone at home (age 11, if I remember correctly, it's been a few years). When I picked my son up later that morning, he was hungry, as they had not eaten since they had been up. Needless to say, that was the last time he went over there. (Apparently, that mother left her child at home alone regularly. At age 11, I did too, but not when I had another child over.)

All of our children, 9, 10, 12 and 14 are permitted to have overnight stays as long as we know the parents.

My oldest son doesn't like staying with others, but my younger son started at five. I did not have a problem with this as I knew the parents, and I also knew that my son would tell me if something was wrong.

It is about the child and the people. At a church lock-in you have lots of "chaperone's"...as long as you know and trust them I don't think it is an issue.

We have the same rule that it seems most of you do. I have a 12 and a 9 year old, both boys. They both spend the night at their friends houses. They only spend the night at friends that we know the parents and also their kids spend the night at our house as well.

Sometimes my 9 year old will be, "can I spend the night at so and so house?: We have to explain to him that if we don't know the parents, he can't spend the night. I don't think these rules have changed from when we were kids unlike alot of them.

I guess I am a very lenient parent since I have allowed my son at age 7 to spend the night at a friends house. We have been encouraging him to have sleep overs at our house since he was 4. Of course, I have to know the parents fairly well to have them stay at someone else's house. We have had several kids in our neighborhood spend the night at our house.

I think sleep overs are very important in childhood. They allow our children to connect on a different level than at school or in general play. They need the feeling of acceptance from other people so they feel comfortable in their own skin. It is one thing to see each other at school and playing outside or playing video games...it is another to see them in their pajamas.

I am not sure that I am explaining it correctly but I see a major difference between myself and my husband. I went to sleepovers, church "lock-ins", and church related camps all the time as a child (as young as 6 years old) and my husband did not. He has grown up very shy and insecure with his relationships with other people. I, on the other hand, am very secure with my ability to connect with other people. I guess that is why I am in Human Resources. He has become more secure since we got married, but it took some work.

CCBAM - I understand your perspective......

I have found in so many situations when I read / see a position that I hadn't previously considered, my eyes are opened....

Personally, I have never been shy, reserved or considered socializing an issue, HOWEVER, I was one of three and was encouraged to be outward and self assured.

As a Mother I wouldn't even begin to permit my Children to do the things that I did as a Child (not naughty things, just, in a nutshell, freedoms) all that said, I know that my Children will suffer for my protectiveness..

Thank you for your candor.....

CCBAM, I agree with you in many ways. I myself spent the night with friends all the time,LOVED bday slumber parties. My sister could barely make it til 10 before calling to come home. My son began staying with my parents every Friday night when he was about 4 months old. (both my hubby and I worked late friday and early Saturday) He used to stay with my sister quite a bit. I just have never thought it was that big of a deal I guess. jmo

Patey,

I know how wonderful of a mom you are are, and with children as precious as yours, I understand the feeling of wanting to keep them close. I have a different perspective, that doesn't mean yours is wrong. I will just give you mine though in case it helps .

I don't trust everyone with my son, hardly. But I have and will continue to let Austin have his independence in certain situations. He spends the night at his best friend's house, and his best friend spends the night at my house. I trust his mom and she trusts me. I am very grateful to have this kind of two way street for a couple of reasons: it makes my son VERY happy to have that independence away from home, and I feel good about it being in a safe place with someone I know will take care of him like his own son. They do things a little differently at her house, and I think it is a good thing that he sees that things don't always happen the way they do at "our house". And I think it's important for both of them to have that private time as friends to share fun they just can't share with mom and dad. Secondly, it is very helpful to have an allie that I can call and that she can call if we ever need a favor. I don't even like to call it babysitting because it is so not a chore.

Secondly, he has gone to Utah twice without us, and once to Tennessee - all three times supervised with someone in Calvin's family that we trust. As a result of these times, he is a very independent and already a diverse little dude with a ton of courage. He's ready to go on Kid Nation! (lol, just ask him). And he has some GREAT memories of times spent away from home. It was hard to be away from him, of course, but I always knew it was a little sacrifice on my part to give him that for himself. It's made him much more confident. Of course I worried and had to keep convincing myself of all this

Last year he went to church camp for a week on his own. That was a little out of my comfort zone and I was a worried mom up to the time he left and during that week. I asked LOTS of questions before he went. He loved it! He cried when he had to leave! He can't wait to go back this summer.

I spent the night at my best friend's house and my cousin's house all the time growing up and I went to church camp every year and those are some of the best memories I have. We also had lock-ins with our church and those were great fun. And of course there is after prom - those were kind of corny, but still well supervised!

Sorry for the long winded-ness, I just wanted to give you some examples before I explain. My opinion is that it is essential to a child's independent development that they have time away from the home in a safe setting (that you feel comfortable with), and essential for your eventual sanity when they do start leaving as they get older. It builds their confidence and yours. Even if you just do it a little bit at a time until you both feel comfortable. I think it will also make it a little bit easier when they have to fly the coop when they get older to go out on dates, after prom, to college or school trips.